Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Today’s Times
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect