The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
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Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
let’s discuss
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Your secret is safeish with me
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.