I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
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what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er