I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”