911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.