Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
who will stop them
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
john wicks are toilet candles
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.