*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
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okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Peace was never an option
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
listen closely
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.