I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
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Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.