wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.