*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.