My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
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I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”