OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
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When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?