Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
idk what he going thru but i feel him
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?