Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?