god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know