I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
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It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Worst Native American name ever.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.