me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
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strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
it was love at first sight
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.