an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Sponch
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
this is funnier than any friends episode
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’