I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*