Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Just say no
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.