The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
You Might Also Like
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
She was REALLY feeling it.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.