Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
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Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Is this you?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.