I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
i actually laughed 😩
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Why soy sad?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.