BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Xylophonist Shredding It
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone