Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
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Y’all know who you are.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.