You Might Also Like
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”