me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
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How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Said the murderer.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.