Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Mornin
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
that’s really how it is
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.