So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
You Might Also Like
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.