Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
me as a parent
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..