Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
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My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Breaking news:
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
There is wisdom there.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!