me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.