[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.