[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
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Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
cause of death:
autopsy.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]