My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Why I divorced her.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.