Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
In space, no one can hear…
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?