ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
You Might Also Like
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Who chose this font
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.