My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
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Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Every time my phone rings
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS