My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
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all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”