Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
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Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.