I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
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Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
not seeing the problem
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
This might be me.
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(Musicians.)
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married