JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.