My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Meowchelangelo
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.