Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
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Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”