accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
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Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game