waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
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I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Lassie, get help!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Never let them know your next move 😂
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.