If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
You Might Also Like
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Go hard or stay average
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids