I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
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When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt