If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
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Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again