When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
You Might Also Like
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Somebody call the cops.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.